February 25, 2003


Posted by Arcane Gazebo at February 25, 2003 8:49 AM This morning I have been contemplating the question of what America would be like if there were no children here.

Of course, some drastic measures would be necessary to acheive this state. All persons under the age of 18 would have to be expelled: sent to Canada, Mexico, the Pacific Ocean - doesn't really matter. Perhaps we can drop them on Iraq. Then sterilization would have to become mandatory for all U.S. citizens. These proposals may seem extreme, but they are a price I am willing to pay.

The benefits are immediate and obvious. The quality of life rises immediately, as adults have both more disposable income and more leisure time. Productivity improves as well; no employees are taking maternity leave anymore. We reduce our dependence on foreign oil as former soccer moms trade in their SUV's for lower capacity cars.

Government bureaucracy can be trimmed since many services are now unnecessary. New funds would become available for underfunded programs, or perhaps for a tax cut. America retains its world-class university system while jettisoning the K-12 public schools. Are you listening, President Bush? Here's a tax plan and an education plan I can really support. It puts the "No Child" in "No Child Left Behind".

Many social ills are eliminated in a childfree America. Horrible crimes like child molestation simply never occur. Teen pregnancy and welfare moms are no longer a problem. Crimes frequently committed by children, such as vandalism, are sharply reduced. Tobacco companies no longer target their advertisments to minors. The MPAA movie ratings system becomes obselete, and Hollywood directors and screenwriters express themselves freely without worrying about the box office consequences of an R rating.

No politician enacts censorious legislation "for the sake of the children". Abortion is no longer a political issue. The religious right, forbidden by their faith to undergo the sterilization treatment, simply leave the country.

Most importantly, it's very quiet now. No screaming kids in the grocery store, on the airplane, on the floor above your apartment. No parents yelling at their misbehaving brats at the mall or a restaurant. America would become internationally renowned as the most peaceful and serene country on Earth.

"But," I hear you say, "as the population gets older there will be no labor force to support them!" Ah, but many young people in other countries will see the shining beacon of childfree America, and will immigrate here to join our happy and prosperous ranks. In this way the United States will maintain its proud tradition as a melting pot, a nation of immigrants looking for a better life.

It's a beautiful dream, but I fear too few of my countrymen will realize the benefits of this plan. Someday, though, I will conquer a tiny island nation and create my childfree paradise. Tags:

Yesterday, as I headed into the MEN'S ROOM in the President's Club with what started out as a slight bout of tourista from the fish based lunch I had consumed, and which started becoming exponentially more problematic as I endured the traffic through the Holland Tunnel and then took off all my metal to get through security, I arrived at last only to be confronted with a father and his five year old screaming DAUGHTER who had commandeered almost the entire facility for some kind of family pissing match. Sign me up.

Posted by: Jeremiah Spur | February 27, 2003 5:52 AM


...I know for a FACT that you are a closet babysitter. goo!

Posted by: Anonymous | February 27, 2003 12:36 PM

We need to start a legal defense fund for this guy.


Posted by: Jeremiah Spur | March 14, 2003 7:02 AM


British Airways has the right idea though.

Posted by: Arcane Gazebo | March 14, 2003 8:58 AM
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